We are closing in on the second anniversary of the day Esmé aspirated so terribly…
I still find it hard to know how to talk about this experience. When I do I feel myself feeling as though I am going to melt into a blubbering mess…or I hear my voice as though it is coming from someone else, calmly saying, “Esmé experienced cardiac and respiratory arrest, was given three rounds of chest compressions and, fortunately, was revived.”
This cold voice clearly belongs to someone who has a better handle on the situation that I do…because I have minimal memories of that day and have pieced together what I know from her medical file and overhearing conversations between doctors on rounds in the hospital. I have no actual memory of anyone but two nurses and one respiratory therapist from that day, but I know there were at least two doctors, two respiratory therapists, and a number nurses.
Last year I managed to bring Esmé back to the community hospital that helped us (before she was transferred to our regional hospital) to thank them. It was the only time I have been there since it happened. And although I was so pleased to say thank you…I felt overwhelmed by the faces I couldn’t remember and the feeling that I was possibly going to vomit.
As we near this second anniversary I am struck by how far we have come in many ways even since last year and, obviously, since the year before that. Two years ago I felt like I knew almost nothing about how to keep Esmé safe–except to love her. A year ago I was still questioning my mommy instincts, but learning more every day.
I am struck by the amazing support we have received not only with our immediate family and close friends, but through our communities…including this one, as we near 15,000 pageviews here at The Cute Syndrome.
The coming two weeks–between April 28 and May 13–marks a period of renewal for our family. A reminder of how fragile we are, how fortunate, how determined. I promise that here at The Cute Syndrome we will have some exciting things planned to celebrate Esmé’s amazing anniversary.
Stay tuned…
A wonderful 2 year rememberance.