The is another one of those posts I have been working on for awhile…possibly, in some ways, for years. I have full-post length versions that will certainly never see the light of day. It must be that I write them for myself somehow, trying to find ways to say all of this without sounding like a jerk…it’s often on the tip of my tongue. But I never get it right. I guess it’s because it is a really touchy subject to tackle…primarily because it requires admitting things about myself that I’d rather all of you not know.
At the same time, it is part of the story.
So, I’ll just say it: Sometimes I think I am jealous…
Maybe it isn’t actually jealousy, because it really doesn’t sound quite right…it is just my best approximation. But whatever it is, admittedly, there is no grace in it.
All of you who have read anything here before know that I do really love my life. I adore my daughter. I feel like I have learned things since becoming Esmé’s mom that have made me a far better person than I could have reasonably expected to be before her (and I am still so terribly flawed, so just imagine what I was like before).
But as much as what I just wrote is true, there is, of course, a but…
Occasionally, like after watching Ez have a seizure or on the tough days, I just feel like I’m tired of the way things are. Sometimes I am just tired of seeing Esmé stuggle so much, of seeing strangers staring at her trying to figure out what is “wrong.” I am tired of seeing children a third of Esmé’s age surpassing her physically, verbally…with the greatest of ease.
And, this is less easy for me to admit, I am tired of watching my peers pass me by–on to their second and third healthy babies, having careers, traveling, moving forward.
I know, I know…I wish I didn’t feel that way; even as I watch that appear on my screen I am cringing. It is terrible. But it is also honest.
This isn’t jealous of my peers children, but of my peers’ naïveté, of their ability to believe everything will be ok…they can take that job, go on that vacation, have that next baby and it will be ok.
Because, it seems, for the most part, it is ok for them.
And, honestly, it just seems absurd…I cannot wrap my brain around it.