Lasagna and snuggles

I know you all already know that I am completely obsessed with Esmé. I think she is just so spectacular…and being away from her for a few days has just made me even more in awe of her. I just find myself staring at her adorableness. It is also pretty cool that she managed to have an amazing time while I was gone and I came home to a little chatterbox.

We have had so much fun since I have been back home…playing and talking and working on supported standing…she has made some Ezzy-sized advances that I am just thrilled about.

Yesterday I put off most of what I “needed” to do this week for work and spent some extra time with Esmé to make up for leaving her last week. Yesterday afternoon I held Ezzy through her 2+ hour nap. Today I did the same. What a lovely feeling–I never get tired of the weight of her little body totally relaxed over my shoulder, feeling every breath, every little twitch and shudder. It is so good to hold her close–it may be a false sense of security, but I feel safer this way…with my little buddy right there.

After she woke up yesterday we headed out to the store for dinner. I don’t cook much these days as my hubby really seems to enjoy it and I have been so busy between the foundation and the dissertation. But last night I wanted to cook for my family…not that Ezzy eats it since she is all tube-fed, but she sees and she smells what I am doing. But I had in my head this amazing lasagna I had in Rome. It was from Buffi Bistrot and it was truly life-changing…really elegant in it’s simplicity, with the perfect texture…so I was moving slowly in the grocery store trying to figure out just what I wanted to make an effort at reproducing it. Usually she would get frustrated, but Esmé was such a fantastic little partner, kicking her little feet off the foot rest on her wheelchair and chattering a typical refrain: “Ah! Ah! Mama-mum ah Em MEH” (Roughly translating, I like to think, to “Hey its Maman and Esmé”)

I just felt such a sense of peace doing this simple task with my daughter–both of us engaged with each other and our surroundings. No retching, no mid-shop tube-feeding, no writing the next page in my dissertation in my head, no phone calls.

Calm. Beautiful calm.

And, by the way, the lasagna turned out pretty good in the end.