It’s Always Been Me

It’s Always Been Me

I’d guess that some of you might be a wee bit surprised to have landed here on this page. I keep imagining you, former reader from the Cute Syndrome Blog, clicking the link to your favorite post (Which is probably this one. Or this one? Maybe this one?) expecting to see my daughters face looking at you from the top of my old-school blogger page. Instead you find yourself redirected here, to this shiny new site…with the name Hillary Savoie popping up. You then exclaim, “Hillary Savoie!?” (pronouncing it correctly, of course: Sav-wah), “But I’m looking for The Cute! What the?!”

Here’s the thing. It’s always been me writing to you. I, Hillary Savoie, am the one and only mother of Esmé, The Cute. I am the one who has been writing on her silly little blogger site since 2012 telling you all kinds of things about my darling daughter. I am also the same person who, more recently, has written a handful of blog posts on a second blog called Mom, Imperfectly about cocktails, and the haunted places inside of me, and Esmé’s fashion choices.

I started my second blog for a number of reasons. Part of the need for the second blog had to do with The Cute Syndrome blog sharing a name with my foundation. Part of it had to do with feeling as though distinct part of my voice belonged to Esmé, was on reserve for her alone. And part of it had to do with my perception that there was an expectation that moms like me–moms who advocate for their fragile children–be some kind of sainted mythical creature. I already had so many counts against me, what with my dirty mouth, my predilection for over-sharing on the internet, and my tendency to break rules, I was worried if I wrote about some of my other interests in the same place that I wrote about Esmé perhaps everyone would figure out the truth that not only am I not a saint, but I am a terribly flawed human person.

But then I realized that I was being silly because, really, raise your hand if you aren’t a terribly flawed human person…right?

Like everyone else, I am a whole person. And that’s ok. I am not the not-so-sweary, level-headed, foundation-running, self-sacrificing special needs mom–at least, I am not just her. I am also a lady who likes gin. Someone who also cares deeply about women’s rights. A woman who had a life before being a mom–and still has an identity in addition to being Esmé’s mom. I’m someone who has been changed fundamentally by becoming a mom to a fragile child–having lost all my zen and embraced my inner warrior–but that isn’t my whole story.

Or, I should say, I am in the process of letting that story become just part of my story.

And I am in the process of preparing space for my daughter to speak up and tell her own story when she’s ready…by drawing a line between what is her and what is me.

I am in the process of seeing myself as a whole person. And I guess, dear reader, I am asking to see me that way too. I suspect it will be a lot less hard for you to see me that way than it will be for me.

So, now that I have put quite the deep spin on the annoying  process over the last few days of migrating my sites from Blogger and Weebly to my very own grown-up writer WordPress site, I realize that about half of the time I spent swearing at my computer over external image imports and migrated page formats might have been part of these growing pains. Which reminds me…about those formats and images: There may be things missing and all manner of disarray. I mean this both figuratively and literally.

It will all come together soon.

Meanwhile, take a look around. Get comfortable. Check out the Hello page to learn a bit more about what I do, where I’ve written, and who I am.